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Finding Desire in Busy Life

38:04 recording · EN · 2 speakers

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Brief overview

Desire does not vanish in the rush hour of life; pressure-free space and distress, not norms, decide.

  1. Distress, not frequency, defines a problemKossow measures desire only by Leidensdruck lasting longer than two days, and the person must feel it themselves, not because a partner wants more.
  2. Remove hurdles instead of adding pressureShe would lay out condoms, lubricant, toys and towels so sex is practically easy, and create mobile-free, child-free, work-free rooms rather than scheduling performance.
  3. Everyday eroticism beats the rare feastWalking naked through the room or a more intense kiss counts as eroticism once it is decoupled from penetration; most evenings are bread, not a banquet.
Executive Summary AI
  • Host Rachelle Publier opens this Smarter Leben episode on finding desire for sex again in a stressful everyday life, with sexual medicine and partner therapist Stefanie Kossow as guest, who advises couples in the so-called rush hour of life between 30 and 40.0:16
  • Kossow describes sex gas pedals and sex brake pedals: money worries, physical illness, time and financial pressure and a multi-crisis situation press the brake, and the symptoms she sees are mismatched desire between partners, erection disorders and orgasm becoming harder to reach.3:35
  • She refuses to name a normal amount of desire and puts the diagnostic line at Leidensdruck - distress that restricts work and social life over a longer period than two days, and that must be felt by the person themselves rather than imposed by a partner who wants more.6:05
  • Against the request for a five-minute quick fix she recommends normalising masturbation as practice without an orgasm goal, changing the technique or the hand to build new brain connections, and using consent negotiation and BDSM concepts such as safe wording and aftercare to make partnered sex safe.12:56
  • For new parents she rejects pathology, calling birth a massive conversion process, and suggests small rituals as islands - showering together, coffee, a foot massage - gifts from the heart rather than deals, plus everyday eroticism decoupled from penetration, and closes on a real no making a real yes possible.17:07
Key Quote
“I would make sex as easy as possible.”
— Stefanie Kossow0:00
Key Quote
“There are sex gas pedals and sex brake pedals.”
— Stefanie Kossow3:35
Key Quote
“And if people just don't feel like it and are totally satisfied with it, it's totally fine.”
— Stefanie Kossow6:08